02 October 2016

Oh Kim !

7th day - I'm still at offshore . Finally managed to get a wifi connection.  Staring at the beautiful sea scenery every 6.30 in the morning is one of the calm feeling you ever had.

But this field costs me a lot. Quality times, social life and maybe my relationship that involves commitment . Have you ever felt disappointed when you couldn't come to your friend and family wedding/ event?

I always managed to put the gear up and move on but not on this one.

People say about first step of moving on is erase all the memories . I kept a few picture and the whole conversation . The conversations that contain words of sincere and hope but unreplied due to his ignorance and selfishness .

Well, scripts is not always written the way we want it to be .

A) appreciating is the most beautiful thing you need to posses
B) when it's gone , it's gone
C) don't take things for granted

Oh Kim, I hope you're doing well.

19 August 2016

An-Nur 26

After the last post, a few friends who actually are imaginary friends asked me?

"What happened? What's with the delay in expressing?"

Have you ever heard, don't make any decision when you fell you're currently a sinner?

I made an excel sheet just like when I used to do when i was a kid , you will colour the box to green if you done it, perform solah, istikharah, al-quran etc. But all the green coloured box will automatically turned to red if you have done something considered as not inevitable sin, then you need to start again.

I promised to myself, if i manage to make 60 days green box, i will make the decision. Yes, it sounds silly. But this wont happen if i could keep istiqamah keeping the box green.

For the record,49 days was the best i had but unfortunately the remaining 11 days couldn't wait.

Another lesson was i didn't let her know my plan.

Then, i remember these words sent by mom.

"Good girl for good boys. Maybe you're not good enough, be a better saliq".

Yes, your mum's words beat any other words found on internet.

I saw the picture and It's official. I pray for your happiness dunia akhirat.

Let's aim bigger, 90 days green box. Pray for me ya!

01 August 2016

Only know you love her when you let her go.

I guess who ever write about it, experienced it her/him self.

Sebab bila dah terlepas, baru terasa how much you actually need her.

I'm not that good at expressing and I regret that to be honest.

Ya, its about a girl. A girl who managed to make me smile when i was driving alone. A girl who "My opah give a green light to proceed with after opah done her istikharah". I still remember Opah's words, "Opah saw the same thing on your sister marriage." A girl who touch the memories of German Jersey, maggy ketam, braces, cincin, Brazil , Ariana. A girl who have done a lot to deserve a solid happiness.

We know each other one year ago. Yes, senang dan selesa bila bercakap. Sampai satu masa i think she's the one. But at the same time, I'm too afraid to give hope to someone who are too kind and honest.

Last month i noticed, she start blocking me at all social medias. It's a very long story to be told actually. I guess because of my silence . I've been missing her before , during my night , during my day. But I kept silent. I know i miss her soft voice, her humbleness and her warm words. She behave like a matured girl which attract me the most.

Until last week when i was on offshore duty, I asked for HIS sign and then I contacted perempuan cantik,  She said. Go express your feeling, bring her to home then lansungkan majlis.

I heard perempuan cantik idea, the idea that F wanted a long time ago. F already mentioned my name to her sister and mother. Its all about me, so expert on keeping my self so busy until i didn't care so much about hope, hope by someone who are loyally waiting from the 1st day.

I managed to text her using someone number when i was at the platform , begging to unblock me  saying " I'm sorry for keeping quite and I've something important to say". After a few hours, i kept waiting for her text , until finally she texted me


I was so happy . The first word from my heart is, Sorry for everything. She says she's good ,work , health and everything. But she sounds sad.

I told her everything, with the limitation of wifi line at platform, I kept sitting on the stairs,  waiting for Chipsmore wifi line, "This need to be cleared today".

I know i love her. I know I need her. After explained everything, including my idea to bring her to see my parents  after i returned from offshore job.

She kept asking me "why now , why now , why now" with a sad smiley.

"I waited for you from day 1 until last month", someone came to see my parents and approach me, and i accept pinangan just because of the pain waiting for you. I just know him for a few weeks. They will come for majlis tunang this weekend.

She kept asking. Why i'm doing this, why i kept quite, why i didn't asked about her. She was so upset, i can see how upset she was, and how she explained how pain she was expecting me from day to day.

"Dah terlambat".

Until today i have no word to say except than sorry. and i know this regret feeling will only disappear with  HIS redha upon my redha on HIS story line.

I know, I miss her & love her. But its too late to turn back time.

A lesson learnt kim, a lesson learnt.